I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
