they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize