Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
