You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
