Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
