You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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