Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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