false alarm. still invincible.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
