I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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