I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
