She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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