Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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