her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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