my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize