I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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