and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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