He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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