I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I can text with my tongue
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
