I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
