I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
