Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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