I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
