Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
