I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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