so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
