please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
