we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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