Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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