The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
