Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
