Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
