I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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