Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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