I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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