that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You made out with two different species that night
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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