I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
