I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
