When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
