Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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