How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
