Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
All I want is dick and wine.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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