wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
