dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize