Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
