Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
