I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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