Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
