u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
