Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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