im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
why do cheetos always look like penises
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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