dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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