new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i've created a new STD.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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