We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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