Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
