I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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