EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
