That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize